'Cats' Tries And Fails To Add Plot To Nonsensical Nightmare Fuel
Starring Francesca Hayward, Taylor Swift, Idris Elba, James Corden, Rebel Wilson, Judi Dench, Jennifer Hudson, Ian McKellan, Jason Derulo
PG
Musical
Run time: 1 hr, 50 min
Directed by Tom Hooper
In theaters December 20 2019
It took a full 48 hours after seeing this film that I felt comfortable even attempting to put coherent voice to my thoughts. I’m still not sure how well I can accomplish that. But man, oh man, do I have to try. To preface this, I actually saw this musical live roughly a month and a half prior to this film viewing. It didn’t help. In fact, it may have made it worse. The musical, nonsensical as it may be, leans into the nonsense that it is and doesn’t bother with plots. Going to go ahead and warn spoilers for one of the biggest musicals over the last thirty years. The entire musical is a singing role call of cats (from a tribe we never get an explanation of) to their oldest member (I assume?) named Old Deuteronomy for who deserves most to be sacrificed.
That’s it. That’s the plot of Cats. And somehow this movie made it worse.
A synopsis would almost ruin the insanity that is this film, so I’ll just leave it as that. The added bits somehow inexplicably muddy a story that isn’t even a story to begin with. But I need to give it a few props where props are due.
Things I’m Here For:
The insane dancing talent of Francesca Hayward
The overall choreography - not the CGIed parts, but the actual catlike movements parts
Taylor Swift as a lounge singer cat
Idris Elba as a mysterious criminal cat
The overall singing quality of the whole production
Alright. Now…
Things I’m NOT Here For:
Cats wearing fur - of the previously sacrificed Jellicle cats?? Who’s to say?
The confusing size of what these cats were supposed to be
Taylor Swift’s attempt at a British accent
Idris Elba removing his fur coat to be basically just ripped Idris Elba covered in fur with ears and a tail
Whatever on God’s green earth James Corden and Rebel Wilson are doing
Cockroaches and mice with human faces as well
The confusing way clothing factors into cat life
Catnip making cats sleep (definitely not what my cat does with catnip)
Judi Dench’s cat fur somehow being flesh colored
A side plot of magically transporting cats onto a barge
The movie ending with a prolonged amount of eye contact from a cat that can never be unseen
Obviously, this doesn’t touch on the main issue of this film overall: the look of the cats. To be honest, I’m not sure how to improve it. The costuming for the musical is impressive because it works on a stage, but it would probably come off cheap in a multi-million dollar film. And yet, these creatures basically being humans (with their actual skin color showing through on hands and feet - that are in fact actual human appendages) with some fur, cat ears, tails and whiskers is incredibly unsettling. That being the overwhelming issue can detract from the halfway decent parts of this - the parts that have made it such a successful theater production. But since I can’t answer the question of how to make it bearable, I’ll forever just be haunted by these creatures that look like the beings that are mid-transformation on the covers of Animorphs novels.