Watch of Shame: An Extravaganza Of Bad
I’ll admit it. I had higher hopes for this piece. I intended to watch four movies, but after getting through two of them in one day, I was broken. My capacity for crappy films had reached a limit I did not know existed. Was it, by chance, the supposed-family-film-but-actually-a-psychological-horror film called Gooby that crushed my spirit? Somehow, shockingly, it wasn’t. That honor goes to Arsenal, a movie that was so pointless I literally have forgotten I watched it roughly seven times since.
I cannot believe I am typing this sentence, but if you were going to watch either of these films, it should really be Gooby. At least that one is utterly hilarious in its insanity. It’s fully nonsensical. There is a giant brown…teddy bear (?) monster thing that is supposedly helping a child adapt to new surroundings after moving, but when other movies would probably have this creature be a young boy’s imaginary friend, THIS ONE HAD IT AS A REAL THING. Yes, Gooby is visible to people other than us and the child. And one such person is actually played by Eugene Levy, who is a very odd, very determined teacher in town and wants nothing more than proof that this creature exists. For reasons that are not adequately explained. And something he is impressively bad at accomplishing. For that side plot alone, it’s worth watching. Oh, and sorry for burying the lead here, but Gooby is voiced by the late, great Robbie Coltrane (Hagrid). And it’s free on YouTube in its entirety. You’re welcome.
I was obligated to pause for a while before writing this paragraph because I couldn’t remember enough about Arsenal to fill this part of the piece. Despite having another jaunt to its IMDB page, it’s still a bit fuzzy. What I do remember:
Nicolas Cage plays a gangster with an indecipherable accent and personality.
Adrian Grenier and Johnathon Schaech are the most unconvincing siblings I’ve seen on a screen in quite some time.
John Cusack’s character inexplicably appears only a handful of times and always wearing both a hat and a bandana.
A solid two decade time jump happens after the first scene and we are never given a suitable explanation as to how things got the way they are.
If there is any emotional connection that we should have to these characters or this story, it is hidden so well that Indiana Jones should go on a quest to find it.
This concludes my thesis as to why and how somehow a movie with a decent cast and what should be an intriguing plot is worse than a movie called Gooby.