Watch of Shame: Jupiter Ascending
I’m pretty sure this movie was done quite some time ago on the How Did This Get Made? podcast, but I wanted to wait long enough to where when I finally watched it for myself, I wouldn’t be accidentally regurgitating every thought they had during the episode. Thankfully, my plan worked and the only thing I remembered going into it was their disdain (and mine, now that I realize how often it is done) for the phrase, “I could get used to this.” The rest of it, well, nothing could have prepared me for this utter ridiculousness.
A so-bad-it’s-good movie can only truly hit perfectly if one of two things happen: the actors lean in fully and roll with it, or they make it painfully obvious they know what a mess the film they’re making is. In Jupiter Ascending, it’s the former. I think I saw more emotion and got more volume from Eddie Redmayne in two scenes of this movie than I did in every other film I’ve ever seen him in. Combined. And he seems to be having an absolute blast. No one is going as hard as Redmayne. Sometimes he quietly mutters impassioned threats. Other times he screams demands. This movie’s got everything.
Surprisingly, the one who seems less into this absolutely absurd film is Channing Tatum. I say surprisingly because somehow, either Tatum or his agent/manager saw the role of “hybrid human-wolf type creature who seems to be a bit of a bounty hunter and also may have had wings at some point,” and said yes, but then didn’t fully seem to commit to the bit. I’m just saying, you know what you’re getting into here. There’s no last minute shocks in the plot when you see what you’re working with in the character description. Maybe he’s supposed to be aloof, a la a lone wolf, but when everyone else seems to be at an 11, it makes Tatum seem like a 4.
If Mila Kunis doesn’t seem to be bringing everything she’s got to her acting, her clothes take up the slack. Once everyone becomes aware she’s more than a mere human who cleans houses, she wears structural dresses and outlandish accessories that make Lady Gaga’s red carpet outfits look like classic little black dresses. Her character (the titular Jupiter) spends a lot of the movie confused, so that could explain why she wasn’t able to meet a lot of the other crazy aliens (I think they’re aliens? It was never totally explained.) at their ridiculously high level. The sheer charm that comes from Kunis by her just existing did draw me in to be slightly intrigued as to how this story would play out, even if I wasn’t actually sure what the goals of 2/3 of the characters were.
There are so many questions I had as I went through this film, including needing an in-depth explanation of what the hell happens in one of the first scenes in the movie. One of the women whose house Jupiter helps clean at one point seems to get possessed by aliens, who seem to have targeted her. Not Jupiter, her employer. At first I thought it was just them trying to get close to Jupiter, but then a short time later when she makes a medical appointment under the other woman’s name, the aliens jump her. Which, to me, means they were looking for THE OTHER WOMAN. Because otherwise, why would the knowledge of that appointment mean literally anything to them? They wouldn’t have had any way to know it wasn’t her coming to the clinic….have I confused you yet? Are you intrigued? Well, if so, buckle up, because it’s a solid two hours of utter intergalactic insanity.